from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
