Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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