I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
