I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
nut hugger
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
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She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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