I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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