Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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