I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
