"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
