i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
