Jerry, you need to find god
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
