i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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