Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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