I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
