she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
