I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
