Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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