In the future we'll all be gay
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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