when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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