My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
