If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
