I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
