After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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