Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
