my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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