Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
