I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
