So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
