Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
