you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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