I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
