Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
