Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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