Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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