I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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