I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
