I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
