Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
