So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
