The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
