Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
