I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
