took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
