Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
