I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
