i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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