just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
