I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
