What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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