i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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