Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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