Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
