I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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