Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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