I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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