allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
