My friends, they love my intelligence
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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