Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
