Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
