i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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