The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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