Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
